The official joke thread


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Last one;



Famous computer jokes;



'I think there is a world market for maybe five computers'
- Thomas Watson, IBM, 1943


'32 bits ought to be enough address space'
- Vint Cerf, 1977

(While IPv4 has survived for 30 years, IPv6 is just around the corner)


'640K should be enough for anybody'
- Bill Gates, 1981


In this world there are 10* types of people, those that know binary and those who don't. * (one zero)
 
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Sorry more jokes as it is a little bit quiet;


  • There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't
  • If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0
  • I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly
  • My software never has bugs. It just develops random features
  • Roses are #FF0000 , Violets are #0000FF , All my base belongs to you
  • In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
  • Hand over the calculator, friends don't let friends derive drunk
  • I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code
  • Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
  • The box said 'Requires Windows 95 or better'. So I installed LINUX
  • A penny saved is 1.39 cents earned, if you consider income tax
  • Unix, DOS and Windows...the good, the bad and the ugly
  • A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila
  • The code that is the hardest to debug is the code that you know cannot possibly be wrong
  • UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity
  • Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
  • C://dos
    C://dos.run
    run.dos.run
  • You know it's love when you memorize her IP number to skip DNS overhead
  • JUST SHUT UP AND REBOOT!!
  • 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d
  • Alcohol & calculus don't mix. Never drink & derive
  • How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  • There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer
  • Concept: On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape button
  • It's not bogus, it's an IBM standard
  • Be nice to the nerds, for all you know they might be the next Bill Gates!
  • The farther south you go, the more dollar stores there are
  • Beware of programmers that carry screwdrivers
  • The difference between e-mail and regular mail is that computers handle e-mail, and computers never decide to come to work one day and shoot all the other computers
  • If you want a language that tries to lock up all the sharp objects and fire-making implements, use Pascal or Ada: the Nerf languages, harmless fun for children of all ages, and they won't mar the furniture
  • COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
  • Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning
  • LISP = Lots of Irritating Silly Parentheses
  • The beginning of the programmer's wisdom is understanding the difference between getting program to run and having a runnable program
  • Squash one bug, you'll see ten new bugs popping
  • Everytime i time i touch my code, i give birth to ten new bugs
  • boast = blogging is open & amiable sharing of thoughts
  • We are sorry, but the number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again
  • Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted
  • If it weren't for C, we'd all be programming in BASI and OBO
  • Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner
  • Bad or corrupt header, go get a haircut
  • Unrecognized input, get out of the class
  • Warning! Buffer overflow, close the tumbler !
  • WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER
  • Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
  • Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes
  • Best file compression around: "rm *.*" = 100% compression
  • Hackers in hollywood movies are phenomenal. All they need to do is "c:\> hack into fbi"
  • BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
  • I survived an NT installation
  • The name is Baud......James Baud
  • My new car runs at 56Kbps
  • Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
  • File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
  • Cannot read data, leech the next boy's paper? (Y/N)
  • CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
  • Does fuzzy logic tickle?
  • Helpdesk : Sir, you need to add 10GB space to your HD , Customer : Could you please tell where I can download that?
  • Windows: Just another pane in the glass
  • Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
  • RAM disk is not an installation procedure
  • Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
  • The truth is out there...anybody got the URL?
  • Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
  • E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage
  • Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
  • All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
  • Once I got this error on my Linux box: Error. Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue
  • Once I got this error on my Linux box: Error. Mouse not attached. Please left click the 'OK' button to continue
  • Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
  • Press every key to continue
  • Helpdesk: Sir if you see the blue screen, press any key to continue. Customer : hm.. just a min.. where's that 'any key'..
  • Idiot, Go ahead, make my data!
  • Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources
  • To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so
  • (001) Logical Error CLINTON.SYS: Truth table missing
  • Clinton:/> READ | PARSE | WRITE | DUMP >> MONKIA.SYS
  • (D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza
  • Computers can never replace human stupidity
  • A typical Yahoo! inbox : Inbox(0), Junk(9855210)
  • (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)anic?
  • Bugs come in through open Windows
  • Penguins love cold, they wont survive the sun
  • Unix is user friendly...its just selective about who its friends are
  • Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity
  • Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
  • To err is human...to really foul up requires the root password.
  • Invalid password : Please enter the correct password to (Abort / Retry / Ignore )
  • FUBAR - where Geeks go for a drink
  • I degaussed my girlfriend and I'm just not attracted to her anymore
  • Scandisk : Found 2 bad sectors. Please enter a new HD to continue scanning
  • Black holes are where God divided by zero
  • Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
  • Thank god, my baby just compiled
  • Yes! My code compiled, and my wife just produced the output
  • Windows 98 supports real multitasking - it can boot and crash simultaneously
  • Zap! And there was the blue screen !
  • Please send all spam to my main address, root@localhost :)
  • MailerD(a)emon: You just received 9133547 spam. (O)pen all, (R)ead one by one, (C)heck for more spam
  • A: Can you teach me how to use a computer? B: No. I just fix the machines, I don't use them
  • PayPal: Your funds have been frozen for 668974 days
  • 1-800-404 : The subscriber you are trying to call does not exist
  • 1-800-403 : Access to that subscriber was denied
  • Error message: "Out of paper on drive D:"
  • If I wanted a warm fuzzy feeling, I'd antialias my graphics!
  • A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
  • "Mr. Worf, scan that ship." "Aye Captain. 300 dpi?"
  • Smith & Wesson: The Original Point And Click Interface
  • Shout onto a newsgroup : It echoes back flames and spam
  • Firewall : Intruder detected. (A)llow in (D)eactivate the firewall
  • Real programmers can write assembly code in any language
  • Warning! Perl script detected! (K)ill it , (D)eactivate it
  • Firewall : Do you want to place a motion detector on port 80 ?
  • Helpdesk: Sir, please refill your ink catridges Customer : Where can i download that?
  • All computers run at the same speed... with the power off
  • You have successfully logged in, Now press any key to log out
  • Sorry, the password you tried is already being used by Dorthy, please try something else.
  • Sorry, that username already exists. (O)verwrite it (C)ancel
  • Please send all flames, trolls, and complaints to /dev/toilet
  • Shut up, or i'll flush you out
  • Cron : Enter cron command \ Now enter the number of minutes in an hour
  • We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal
  • You have successfully hacked in, Welcome to the FBI mainframes.
  • I'm sorry, our software is perfect. The problem must be you
  • Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway
  • Webhost livehelp: Sir you ran out of bandwidth, User: Where can I download that?
  • If Ruby is not and Perl is the answer, you don't understand the question
  • Having soundcards is nice... having embedded sound in web pages is not
  • My computer was full, so I deleted everything on the right half
  • You have received a new mail which is 195537 hours old
  • Yahoo! Mail: Your email was sent successfully. The email will delivered in 4 days and 8 hours
  • I'm sorry for the double slash (Tim Berners-Lee in a Panel Discussion, WWW7, Brisbane, 1998)
  • Ah, young webmaster... java leads to shockwave. Shockwave leads to realaudio. And realaudio leads to suffering
  • What color do you want that database?
  • C++ is a write-only language, once can write programs in C++, but I can't read any of them
  • As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code
  • earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can
  • A typical yahoo chat room: "A has signed in, A has signed out, B has signed in, B has signed out, C has signed in, C has signed out.."
  • When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop
  • Warning! No processor found! Press any key to continue
  • Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product
  • NT is the only OS that has caused me to beat a piece of hardware to death with my bare hands
  • Warning! Kernel crashed, Run for your lives !
  • NASA uses Windows? Oh great. If Apollo 13 went off course today the manual would just tell them to open the airlock, flush the astronauts out, and re-install new one
  • JavaScript: An authorizing language designed to make Netscape crash
  • How's my programming? Call 1-800-DEV-NULL
  • Yes, friends and neighbors, boys and girls - my PC speaker crashed NT
  • root:> Sorry, you entered the wrong password, the correct password is 'a_49qwXk'
  • New linux package released. Please install on /dev/null
  • Quake and uptime do not like each other
  • Unix...best if used before: Tue Jan 19 03:14:08 GMT 2038
  • As you well know, magic and weapons are prohibited inside the cafeteria -- Final Fantasy VIII
  • Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft...and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labo
  • Unix is the only virus with a command line interface
  • Windows 95 makes Unix look like an operating system
  • How are we supposed to hack your system if it's always down!
  • God is real, unless declared integer
  • I'm tempted to buy the slashdot staff a grammar checker. What do they do for 40 hours a week?
  • Paypal : Please enter your credit card number to continue
  • It takes a million monkeys at typewriters to write Shakespeare, but only a dozen monkeys at computers to run Network Solutions
  • Please help - firewall burnt down - lost packet - reward $$$
  • If Linux were a beer, it would be shipped in open barrels so that anybody could piss in it before delivery
  • Thank you Mario! But our princess is in another castle
  • Perl, the only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption
  • Norton: Incoming virus - (D)ownload and save (R)un after download
  • I had a dream... and there were 1's and 0's everywhere, and I think I saw a 2!
  • You sir, are an unknown USB device driver
  • C isn't that hard: void (*(*f[])())() defines f as an array of unspecified size, of pointers to functions that return pointers to functions that return void
 

andsome

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Fancy dress party

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.

Being embarrassed about his bald head and wooden leg, he doesn't know what to wear to cover up his
head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will look just the part?.

The man is very offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note: Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is now incandescent with rage, because the fancy dress company has now gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the treacle over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse, and go as a toffee apple.






 
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lol in some of the crash dumps, the debugging messages are hilarious.

One of them says something like this - If the user is persistent in mucking with the registry, eventually a clean install is going to be needed.

I'm not kidding lol - That is an actual official debugging stop error message.
I just analyzed a machine with this error lmao! Here is the official debug statement in the crash dump lol:

Code:
*******************************************************************************
*                                                                             *
*                        Bugcheck Analysis                                    *
*                                                                             *
*******************************************************************************

Use !analyze -v to get detailed debugging information.

BugCheck 74, {2, fffff88002e58ae0, 2, ffffffffc000014d}

Probably caused by : ntkrnlmp.exe ( nt!CmpLoadHiveThread+23a )

Followup: MachineOwner
---------

0: kd> !analyze -v
*******************************************************************************
*                                                                             *
*                        Bugcheck Analysis                                    *
*                                                                             *
*******************************************************************************

BAD_SYSTEM_CONFIG_INFO (74)
[COLOR=Green][B]Can indicate that the SYSTEM hive loaded by the osloader/NTLDR
was corrupt.  This is unlikely, since the osloader will check
a hive to make sure it isn't corrupt after loading it.
It can also indicate that some critical registry keys and values
are not present.  (i.e. somebody used regedt32 to delete something
that they shouldn't have)  Booting from LastKnownGood may fix
the problem, but if someone is persistent enough in mucking with
the registry they will need to reinstall or use the Emergency
Repair Disk.[/B][/COLOR]
Arguments:
Arg1: 0000000000000002, (reserved)
Arg2: fffff88002e58ae0, (reserved)
Arg3: 0000000000000002, (reserved)
Arg4: ffffffffc000014d, usually the NT status code.

Debugging Details:
------------------


CUSTOMER_CRASH_COUNT:  1

DEFAULT_BUCKET_ID:  VISTA_DRIVER_FAULT

BUGCHECK_STR:  0x74

PROCESS_NAME:  System

CURRENT_IRQL:  0

LAST_CONTROL_TRANSFER:  from fffff80002d37cda to fffff800028b9740

STACK_TEXT:  
fffff880`02e58a28 fffff800`02d37cda : 00000000`00000074 00000000`00000002 fffff880`02e58ae0 00000000`00000002 : nt!KeBugCheckEx
fffff880`02e58a30 fffff800`02b5dc06 : 00000000`0166f614 fffffa80`052feb60 00000000`00000080 fffffa80`03cce040 : nt!CmpLoadHiveThread+0x23a
fffff880`02e58d00 fffff800`02897c26 : fffff880`009e8180 fffffa80`052feb60 fffff880`009f2f40 fffff880`01258a90 : nt!PspSystemThreadStartup+0x5a
fffff880`02e58d40 00000000`00000000 : fffff880`02e59000 fffff880`02e53000 fffff880`02e58360 00000000`00000000 : nt!KxStartSystemThread+0x16


STACK_COMMAND:  kb

FOLLOWUP_IP: 
nt!CmpLoadHiveThread+23a
fffff800`02d37cda cc              int     3

SYMBOL_STACK_INDEX:  1

SYMBOL_NAME:  nt!CmpLoadHiveThread+23a

FOLLOWUP_NAME:  MachineOwner

MODULE_NAME: nt

IMAGE_NAME:  ntkrnlmp.exe

DEBUG_FLR_IMAGE_TIMESTAMP:  4c1c44a9

FAILURE_BUCKET_ID:  X64_0x74_nt!CmpLoadHiveThread+23a

BUCKET_ID:  X64_0x74_nt!CmpLoadHiveThread+23a

Followup: MachineOwner
---------
Don't be messin' wit' dem dare registrationaliztion ya her'me? :)
 
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They use the term "mucking".

The author of that message must have been high on crack while working for MS lol.
 
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''if someone is persistent enough in mucking with
the registry''



LOL :D
 
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Top 10 Reasons Why E-Mail is Like a Male Reproductive Organ:


  1. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
  2. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
  3. Those who don't have it think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
  4. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (e-mail envy).
  5. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
  6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species.
  7. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.
  8. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
  9. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
  10. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
 

TrainableMan

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The local postal carrier in a wealthy neighborhood was retiring and the wives had been talking about what gifts their families were going to give him. So after a particularly bad day on Wallstreet this beautiful blond's husband comes home and she tells him that the Smith's are giving the postal carrier a set of golf clubs and that the Jone's are giving him a country club membership and she asks, "what shall we give him?"

So the morning of his final day the postal worker comes around with the mail and dragging all his gifts and the blond opens the door completely naked. She pulls him inside and takes him upstairs where she rides him like a wild bull. Then they come downstairs and she serves him a wonderful breakfast. When he picks up his orange juice there is a dollar under the glass. He asks, "what's with the dollar?"

The blond replies, "well when I asked my husband what we should do for your retirement he said, "Screw him. Give him a dollar!" ... the breakfast was my idea"

:hahaha:
 

andsome

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The Black Bra (as told by a woman)



I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the doorwearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend :
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels andmask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,
(You'll love this) ............................ scroll down














"What's for dinner, Zorro?"
 

Nibiru2012

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An email I recently received from a lifelong buddy where I grew up in Colorado:

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...
Or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.


FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'

I turned around and walked back out and never went back.

My husband didn't say a word...
He knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works in the
store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with
men's balls.'

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold candy
and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically,
the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now!' she would be
punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of
laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was
on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my burrito, I smelled something funny.
So of course I checked my 7-month-old daughter; she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No' .
I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't
have any clean clothes with me.'
Then I said, ' Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
' No!' he replied.
Well, I just KNEW he must have had an accident, because the smell was
getting worse.
Soooooo, I demandingly asked one more time, ' Danny did you have an
accident?'
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his
cheeks, and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos & burritos
laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST (AND THE BEST) TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days,
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any.

We had a woman news anchor that,

the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 7 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set;
but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!



 

TrainableMan

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When I was probably 5 or 6 my Father and I were in Woolworth's and they had a huge display of Woody Woodpecker dolls which we walked past. I yelled ahead to Dad, "Hey look at all the peckers" and he came back and spanked me. While I was crying I asked what that was for, that I only wanted him to see all the Woody Woodpecker dolls. He apologized and explained to an unknowing child that it was important to add the Wood because the other is a bad word. Ahh, childhood memories :hahaha:
 
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The American Medical Association has weighed in on President Obama's health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it.

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in Washingtonn .
 

Nibiru2012

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SS - you must have gotten that from a British website since certain spellings are British rather than Yank.

Good one though... I like it! Especially the last line... how appropriate!
 
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I got it from a British friend, I also use some british spellings in my day to writind such as colour, theatre centre
 

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