The official joke thread

Dec 1, 2011
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Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the
street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to
see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me
flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the
big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The red head says, "Oh sure, but he always has expectations
after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending
the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"


^ The World's First ^
May 10, 2010
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This is true, I only wish I had a camera phone so I could have posted the picture ...

I went into the restroom at our local Sears today and one of the urinals is covered in plastic and there is a computer printed sign taped to it that says "Please use the hand dryer".

Needless to say I just used one of the other two urinals. And then to avoid electrocution I just dried my hands on my pants ... in case the previous patron actually "watered on" the electric hand dryer :p
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Microsoft MVP
Aug 18, 2011
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Reasons Chocolate is Better than Sex

* Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

* If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

* You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

* With chocolate size doesn't matter.

{K /J}


Microsoft MVP
Sep 22, 2010
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Ten more really, REALLY, REALLY bad jokes. You've been warned again!

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the dog.

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.

What did the fisherman say to the card magician?
Pick a cod, any cod!

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
Breathe, you idiot! BREATHE!

What's a frog's favorite drink?

What did the rude prism say to the light beam that smacked into him?
Get bent!

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was in tents.

And a bonus for those who have made it this far . . .

A ten-year-old kid from New York City went to his grandpa's farm for the weekend. He tagged along as grandpa did what had to be done around the place, taking it all in because everything was a new experience for him.

Then grandpa came across a cow having trouble calving. He didn't know how the whole process would be taken in by the ten-year-old, but he had no option but to get on with the job of assisting with the birth.

When the calf had been 'pulled' and the cow was happily cleaning it up, grandpa asked the boy if he had any questions about what he had just seen.

At first the city kid seemed overwhelmed by the experience, but he finally asked, "Just how freakin' fast was that calf going when it hit the cow's butt?"

Courtesy of Lee.

Team ZigZag
Mar 6, 2014
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The following was developed as a mental age
assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard
University. Take your time and see if you can read
each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 60 years of age cannot do this!
1. This is this cat.

2. This is is cat.

3. This is how cat.

4. This is to cat.

5. This is keep cat.

6. This is an cat.

7. This is old cat.

8. This is fart cat.

9. This is busy cat.

10. This is for cat.

11. This is forty cat.

12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from
the top down.
Dec 20, 2017
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Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know."

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in their parkas, mittens and hats. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?"

Again, the guys reply, "Well, like we told you yesterday, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy to warm up a little bit, you know."

The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Michigan and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves."

The two Michiganders reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Michigan, we've just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice."

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally, he comes up with an answer. These two love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. He decides to turn all the heat in hell off.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Michiganders. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering. The devil was dumbfounded. "I don't understand. When I turn the heat up, you're happy. Now it's freezing cold, and you're happy. What is wrong with you two?"

The Michiganders look at the devil in surprise. "Well, don't ya know - if hell froze over, that must mean. The Lions won the Super Bowl!"

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