Some of this is so true! As in FUNNY!


Nibiru2012

Quick Scotty, beam me up!
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A lifelong friend sent me this email this morning. Really cracked me up, especially the one about the hand on the mouse! LMAO!

As 2010 nears the end, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door
without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread
because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed

I have trouble shaking hands
with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because
I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse
for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS
to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO,
now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings
because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money,
but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul
because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I can't have a drink in a bar
because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC
because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants
even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU
I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN,
I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy
gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap
in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW
I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies
because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls
because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And
I no longer answer the phone becausesomeone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan

I no longer buy cookies from Woollies
since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU
I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE
I can't ever pick up $2.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening
because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .


Oh, by the way.....


A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.


Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.


P. S.:
I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water particles splash over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
 
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draceena

That Crazy Amazon Chick!
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LOL @ the hand on the mouse, I was totally BUSTED!
 

davehc

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I think my wife must have got at least a part of that Email!!!
 
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Wow. Sounds a bit like me. And I've updated my profile with a sorry but true signature. Gods, these evil machines are time and money traps!

All of you have fun while I get on with my wretched life!
 

Mychael

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Never shake a mans hand, have you noticed how many blokes don't wash their hands after going to the urinal. So door knob/handles, etc, etc..
There is apparantly more bacteria on your TV remote then just about any other item in the house.

Don't use a public telephone (if you can actually find one that works). Bacteria from talking breeds in the handset. Better you send a letter but remember not to lick the envelope or stamp. Keep your own personal pen in your pocket so you know who has handled it.

Wear safety goggles and face mask to protect you from airborne particles and others coughing and sneezing.
Take a minimum of two betadine baths a day.

Don't ride in taxi's, trains or buses just think about the number of bums those seats have had in them. Don't travel on airlines, they re-cycle the air.

Have pity on those that have had heart/lung transplants, every time they cough it's someone elses spit.
 
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Nibiru2012

Quick Scotty, beam me up!
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Wow. Sounds a bit like me. And I've updated my profile with a sorry but true signature. Gods, these evil machines are time and money traps!

All of you have fun while I get on with my wretched life!
Magoo - you old codger! Sounds like Cottonwood, AZ would be nice place to reside.

From Wikipedia:

Cottonwood has a semi-arid steppe climate. In January the normal high temperature is 55 °F (13 °C) with a low of 26 °F (−3 °C). In July the normal high temperature is 97 °F (36 °C) with a low of 68 °F (20 °C). Annual precipitation is around 13 inches (33 cm).
Demographics

As of the census[4] of 2000, there were 9,179 people, 3,983 households, and 2,369 families residing in the city. The population density was 860.3 people per square mile (332.1/km²). There were 4,427 housing units at an average density of 414.9/sq mi (160.2/km²). The racial makeup of the city was 85.24% White, 0.49% Black or African American, 1.57% Native American, 0.41% Asian, 0.03% Pacific Islander, 9.66% from other races, and 2.59% from two or more races. 20.53% of the population were Hispanic or Latino of any race.


There were 3,983 households out of which 25.3% had children under the age of 18 living with them, 44.5% were married couples living together, 10.8% had a female householder with no husband present, and 40.5% were non-families. 34.4% of all households were made up of individuals and 19.1% had someone living alone who was 65 years of age or older. The average household size was 2.27 and the average family size was 2.90.


In the city the population was spread out with 23.4% under the age of 18, 8.2% from 18 to 24, 23.3% from 25 to 44, 21.4% from 45 to 64, and 23.8% who were 65 years of age or older. The median age was 41 years. For every 100 females there were 86.9 males. For every 100 females age 18 and over, there were 81.4 males.


The median income for a household in the city was $27,444, and the median income for a family was $37,794. Males had a median income of $24,308 versus $19,977 for females. The per capita income for the city was $17,518. About 8.9% of families and 13.5% of the population were below the poverty line, including 19.5% of those under age 18 and 11.3% of those age 65 or over.
I don't know exactly how close to Flagstaff you are, but that is pretty country up there. I do see it's located between Prescott and Sedona. Do you ever go to Sedona and hug a rock or commune with the cactus? JK!
 
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