[andsome]

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates... As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'



St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.'



So the zebra went off in search of God.



When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'


God simply replied 'You are what you are.'


The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?'


The zebra looked puzzled.. 'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.''


St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes..'


The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?'


'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is..'


WARNING: If you laugh at this, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Rev Wright and Obama will be comin after yo white ass!!!

[andsome]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express
praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the
podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom,
had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could
help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the
congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have
experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on,
"and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors
performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to
piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire
around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation
cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible
surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice,
"thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that
with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed
with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone
else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the
podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its
breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

[Kalario]

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.

He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron".
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs
a 9 iron.

Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing, you must be a lucky frog, eh? "

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom!

Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man played the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas".

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

[Kalario]

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on
the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the
waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out
here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck...This was your Grandma's
idea."

[Kalario]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.
When asked to define "great", he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff
that people will react to on a truly emotional level,stuff that will make them scream, cry,wail,
howl in pain, desperation and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

[andsome]

Did I read that sign right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER COFFEE BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE COFFEE POT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD



Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE CENTRE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.


Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

[roban]

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down
A road when they hear a voice call from behind a
Sand-dune. "One Australian soldier is better than ten
Taliban."

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of
His best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle
Breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out, "One Australian is better than
A hundred Taliban soldiers." Furious, the Taliban
Commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune
And instantly a huge gunfight commences. After
10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The Australian voice calls out, "One Australian is better than
One thousand Taliban". The enraged Taliban Commander
Musters a thousand fighters and sends them over the
Dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire rings out
As a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Finally one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over
The dune and with his dying words tells his commander,
"Don't send any more men, its a trap......
There's two of them."

[andsome]

ABSOLUTELYBLOODYBRILLIANT!

[andsome]

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K.
newspaper:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog... able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

*** And the WINNER is... ***

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica,
45 volumes.
Excellent condition.....£200 or best offer.
No longer needed; got married last month.
Wife knows f#%#%#g everything!

Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker.
Billy Connolly - Statement of the Century

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't
have a headache and sex at the same time?"

[Veedaz]

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica,
45 volumes.
Excellent condition.....£200 or best offer.
No longer needed; got married last month.
Wife knows f#%#%#g everything!